Thursday, 31 May 2012

the TIATTY movement: things I'm afraid to tell you

Months ago, I mentioned learning about the Reticular Activating System, or RAS, that's in each of our brains - it's the part that makes you see connections or co-incidences, like as soon as you see pink dining room chairs somewhere, you seem to see them everywhere...
And that's what seems to be happening in the blogosphere right now. Just as I 'fess up to all kinds of sadness and get all raw & honest, it seems that it's happening everywhere.

Jess started it, Ez ran with it (in fact, she was one of the bloggers I was referring to in that raw post when I wrote how it seemed that there were soft landings whenever I needed them), Meg followed on. Funnily enough, I hadn't read Mimi + Meg before, but turns out Meg & I are connected on Pinterest, and share a number of Twitter connections too. Tribes, man, I tell you. Since then, it's gone viral, even grabbing a spot on the Huffpo

I'm talking about: 
Considering how hard it was to write the 'about me' page, and that I couldn't even get to 101 things in my list, this is even more scary. But the feedback I have received on facebook and in emails to the Ubuntu & Depression piece means that I know that I am in a relatively safe place here, and I believe that the more we connect, the more we gain:
  • I'm scared of feeling so hopeless ever again. I know my depression was what is classed as 'mild', but it so scary to feel so out of control of one's own life. It's not a wild, 'college-kids-spring-break' out-of-control, but rather a hopeless, pointless feeling, as if you are not on your own side, too weak to take charge and create change. 
  • I really can cook. I'm just lazy. The effort of all that prep for something that is going to disappear so fast doesn't always seem worth it. 
  • I can't ride a bicycle properly. I never learned. It is my most embarrassing secret ever. Only a handful of close friends know about the bike thing. One made me tell a boyfriend once. I was petrified. He was probably relieved after the drama and suspense of dragging 'my big secret' out of me since I was almost in tears at the dinner table, while my friend stood over us saying 'He's nice, he'll understand, just tell him or I will'. But he was still pretty traumatised. 
  • I worry that I might never fall in love again. I find it so very hard to share my life with someone, even though I would like to, and that saddens me. I feel like everyone else  graduated Relationships 101 while I was busy doing something else, only I'm not sure what. 
  • And if I don't fall in love, I'm afraid that I might never have a family. I'm good with kids. They like me as much as I like them too. I'm only just figuring out my life - how to work to my strengths, what makes me happy, how to be open. And in the meantime, I've found that others have lined up their life partners and baby-showers are the new engagement parties, while I'm still trying to figure out if I like someone enough to get to second base. That's why I 'forget' my real age- I don't want to be on the wrong side of the fertility graph when the time comes.
  • I don't really like competitive sports because there is no time for enjoyment while I'm worried about letting others down with my dodgy throw-catch skills - but I love exercise if it uses my brain at the same time as using my body - like climbing, or running, or yoga.
  • I'm totally happy with my breasts - in a way that no other woman I've ever come across is. But I've broken up with a man built like an Adonis rather than get naked with him due to being sure that my tummy wasn't flat enough. What a loser. 
  • I need reassurance for my work. I have a gut feel for when things are good but I get such a buzz from praise. I wish I didn't need it - although working for myself has made me more self-sufficient. When I read other blogs, I'm sometimes intimidated and jealous (ugh) of the creativity and skills out there.  When I do get emails and messages about this blog, I sometimes have a little 'happy dance' at home! 
  • I wish I'd studied interior design. I'm addicted to design blogs, mags, shops, playing house, bossing around friends. I know I have an eye for it, but I've always been too scared to do it properly. And I have spent so long wondering if I could afford the time and money for Inchbald or Central St Martins that I could have used that energy to study elsewhere. 
  • I'm petrified of dying. I don't want to. Ever. That's a bummer, isn't it?
I've just gotten off the phone with a friend who messaged me about connecting with the Ubuntu & Depression piece. We had such a honest dialogue about life, confusion and direction. When stuff like that happens, it makes me way braver about putting stuff out here.  So often we are so mean to ourselves in a way we would never treat our friends. Silly, hey? Here is a note-to-self then: 

I promise, next week we are back to beautiful places, covetable items, house tours, projects, the usual.  Or we can stick on the deep & meaningful life stuff. 
It's way better than the alternative - a shallow one, or worse, none at all.

Participating bloggers - via Ez:
Participating bloggers - Round 1:
Design for Mankind | Little Brown Pen | Beautiful Hello | Curating Style | Sweet Fine Day | The Jealous Curator | Happy Days | Sage & Berries | Really Handmade | Peck Life | Satsuma Press |Rena Tom | For the Easily Distracted | The Hemborg Wife | Vitamini Handmade | Courtney Khail Stationery and Design | Meg in Progress | Dando Photography Blog | Widdershins22 | Alison Citron | Pink Moon Daily | Just Pretty Things | From China Village | Tea with Me | The Darling Ewe | Not Your Average Ordinary | The Electric Typewriter | Elleby Design | Parsimonia {Secondhand With Style} | Life as an Artistpreneur | Hello Cupcake | Dellie | The A & B Stories |Pretty Little Things | Feistyelle | Nib & Zed | Well and Cheaply | I Ripple. I Dance. | Whitfield Awesome Blog | Foxtrot Press | Dry As Toast | The List of Now | Apple Blue | For the Love of |Four Flights of Fancy | Miss Modish | Snapshots & Secrets | Dirty Laundry | Bubby & Bean |Penelope's Press | Little Nostalgia | Vale Design | Pikaland | Fleurishing | Print Pretty | Vespa Tales | Hazel & Agnes | Amanda's Musings | Mo' Funk Designs | Ordinary Mommy | Camp 1899 |In Honor of Design | Liberty's Yarn | Love, Life & Pictures | Stacey Winters | Owl in the Rain |Living Life Creatively | Emma Elizabeth Clease | I Live in Vacouver Now | British Cream Tea |Maquette | Little Paper Trees | Change is Necessary for Growth | Practically Perfect | Lovely Indeed | Radiant Republic | Teacher Goes Back to School | Acute Designs | This Little Street | The Proper Pinwheel | Kellee Rich | Gluten Free Travelette | Benbrie House | Sierra BB | Lost in Cheeseland | Going Home to Roost | Creative Soul in Motion | Quietly Fabulous | L'elephant Rose |The Anna Delores Blog | Some the Wiser | JRebecca Style | I Saw You Dancing | Wolfie and the Sneak | Threadbare Supply Co. | Lemonwood and Honey | Lolalina | This Texan Wife | C'est ma Vie |
TIATTY - Round 2 (list found at Mimi + Meg):
TIATTY - Round 3 (organized by Lights & Letters)


MJ Kelly said...

OK ignore my facebook message, I see what needs to be done. Carly Carly Carly. You are amazing, my girl, never mind brave, you are like a shooting star at the moment! You are making ME brave, and everyone else who you are connecting with on such an honest level. AWESOME STUFF. I am going to do this to. Eish. OK here I go.

withacanday said...

hi carly. i saw this on max's facebook page. i think you are fantastic for doing this. i might even give it a go. eeek! well done for your beautiful, brutal honesty. it is so refreshing.

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