Thursday, 12 January 2012

signs of life

Funny, (not in a ha-ha way, more a freaky kind of way) when I put these two things on my list
41. Don't avoid a difficult conversation, even though I really would prefer to. See if I feel better afterwards! (dreading this one)
42. Reach out to tell someone from my past what they meant to me in that time
I had an ex-boyfriend come to mind.

After years of avoiding conflict, he taught me how to have difficult conversations again, ones which I would always choose to run from, so much so that it became second nature. And when we broke up, not being the right people for each other, it was easy to be honest and pretty much accomplish no 42. And it worked for us.

Our lives are half a world apart now, but we chat every now and again and there's an intimacy and authenticity that is not always apparent in my other relationships. Ones where I am scared of getting hurt, or looking stupid, or whatever.  (You know, ones with men, mainly, or at work. Women are so much easier!)

Thing is, I know I have to take those lessons forward from him, and practise some more. Just 'cos we're not together doesn't mean I should stop having difficult conversations, right? 
Maybe that was his lesson in my life. I'm glad I have told him that before.

Today I found out he is badly injured after a horrific road traffic accident. News is thin on the ground. I'm an ex-girlfriend, I'm not high on the 'need to know' list. But between the texts, updates and newspaper reports, it's very sad - I'm devastated, and he's pretty much broken. 

I've had these photos by extraordinary photographer Eric Cahan filed away to share with you one day.  They keep coming to my mind's eye today. I don't know why. 
I just have this incredible urge that they are for this moment.  
Every time today that I have thought of of him and what's going on half a world away, 
one of these floats into my head. 
Before today I wasn't sure which ones to share, since all his shots are so glorious - but the orange and purple ones have been in my brain *all day*. As far as I know, T didn't have a thing for purple or orange, so not sure why these are the ones that I am obsessed with today...
And then when I went back to Eric's site to link back to him, I realised the ones that I've been thinking about are all sunrise ones. It is almost spooky. And somehow comforting. 
Please, let this be a sign. 

photos: all eric cahan


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