Today has not been a very good day.
That's a euphemism- it's been bloody awful.
Even that is putting it mildly.
I've been behaving like a small spoilt child and I'm mainly just annoyed with myself, throwing a huge pity party.
I am due to go to Greece tomorrow.
For a sailing holiday decided only two weeks ago.
Which is like Greece, only better, by boat.
It was always a bit of a financial naughtiness - my spontaneity over-ruling any kind of sense of worry about rainy days. ('It's always fucking raining on Mud Island,' I said to myself (no euphemisms there), 'might as well have a Greek suntan to look at since you don't see the sun for weeks during English summer.' This is kind of untrue considering I have a Havaiana suntan from living by the water in the sunniest part of the British Isles.)
Work was thin on the ground.
('Probably cheaper to buy tomatoes and feta direct from the sellers,' I reasoned, 'rather than pay all those middle men en route to Tesco.' Not Waitrose - so you see, I do have some sense of financial responsibility. And I figured Allison whose work is sorting out Climate Change would be most impressed.)
We battled to fill the boat - loads of friends couldn't do short notice - careers, leave, holiday forms - all getting in the way. ('So pleased I'm out of the London mindset,' I smugly thought, 'Life is about experiences. I've never regretted money or time spent on travel before.' Besides which, my main reason for living in Britain is to be able to travel out of Britain often.)
Famous last words.
Today's Friday flowers are the bouganvilleas
I won't be seeing in Greece.
I won't be seeing in Greece.
Oh, look, some more:
Including a bloody donkey.
If I sound petulant, I actually really am.
I am stamping my feet as I type this.
A series of payments due, helping out elsewhere financially and the holiday cost rising began to make me twitchy. Then a work opportunity meant I had to grow up and make a decision that was about more than just a week in the sun.
I've felt like I'm battling two sides of me - the adventuring Leo that is spontaneous and not-a-little Hedonistic, vs. the adult, analytical, 'this is why you don't own a house and aren't the CEO of Goldman Sachs' Left Brain. I want so much to go, to experience the Greek Islands via boat, to eat fresh food in the sun, talk late into the night about big things and nothing really, and wear that light dusting of white powder from the salty sea on my skin.
I know too that this week's project will lead to further opportunities, that I'm setting boundaries and working towards goals and finally playing the long game. I don't have a huge pile of pennies waiting in the bank that allow me to turn down these instances. I'm a whole lot less Linda Evangelista-'I won't get out of bed for less than $10 000' and a whole lot more 'I'll even dance for £100.' (Kind of, but not really. Maybe 10kg ago. And I wouldn't sing for $100 000 by the way.)
I wanted this life, I am making it happen, and just because there is no boss doesn't mean no responsibilities. In fact, I am the boss.
Which kicks up a storm about whether this is what I even want to be doing ('no, it's just what I know how to do'), and if not, then what is it that I do want? ('no idea - well, kind of, but no idea how to make a living out of it.')
Here, feel free to add a bazillion other negative emotions - jealousy for those that *do* live their passion, envy for those that even know their passion, regret at never being encouraged to recognize or follow mine and lost opportunities, hopelessness at even trying to fathom what I ought to choose, embarrassment that I'm thirty-too-much to not even know who I am or what I'm doing, fear that maybe I'm just too lazy or too precious to demand that I want to be fulfilled by all work that I do.
And then shame.
I'm ashamed when I remember that there are moms who juggle work and children, and who have to support their families through all kinds of tricky times, a friend is fighting cancer, others are fighting childlessness, another lost her life this week.
And I'm having a shit fit about a holiday?
Bit embarrassing really.
Kind of time to pull it together to some how make 'it' happen.
Whatever 'it' is.
And in the meantime be kinder to myself for what I have begun to bring about (thanks Pilatesmamma for the peptalk) - this apartment, living by the sea, beginning to live a life more authentic...
The sunset out my kitchen window just a start in practising a little bit of mindfulness and a lot of gratefulness.
It's not Greece, but its good.
Have happy weekends,
and by Monday I will be in a better mood.
(For fear you won't come back!
And that would REALLY upset me)
images: pinterest, and me.