Monday, 28 February 2011

Lets talk about Oscar frocks, chickabees!

I'm interrupting normal service of Meat Free Mondays to chat instead about last night Oscars' frocks...

Before we start, I should tell you where I'm coming from.

(Well, from Leeds, currently.
Where the 'ladies' go out in 'dresses' that are cheap 'n nasty, and usually flammable.)

I don't own a floor length gown myself.
The last time I wore one was probably about half a decade ago,
to a charity ball at a rugby club. 

So I get to have an opinion because Oscar night is about aspiration, inspiration and adoration. 
It's also a chance to see runway gowns on real life people.
With breasts, whether paid for or their own. 

So, I want movie stars, not film actors.

I want glamour, not fashion.

I want to see diamonds and jewels of the type that I would never
 find at a normal 'human' jewellery store.

I want to see the bling that is kept locked up, accessible only to Middle Eastern royalty and Russian oligarchs.

So then, in keeping with my colour-coded obsession:

Sit back and we'll go through colour by colour, even the dresses that weren't so much a colour as glitter. 

Red was the colour of the night  - 
first up, Jennifer Lawrence, great eye makeup: 

The blogosphere is full of people saying how sexy and modern and sleek she looked in her red Calvin Klein frock.
I thought it was boring.
This is not movie star glamour.

This is what the Baywatch swimming costume would be if it were a dress.

Another Jennifer, Jennifer Hudson, tweaked the red vibe to tangerine to offset her fabulous skin colour.

If only the top fitted better.

(whom I generally think looks hungry and so I always take what she says as the mindless banter of someone who is probably hallucinating about the potential of eating maybe six raisins)- says it didn't look like a typical Versace.

I don't know enough really, but I would have said it did:

Seems to me Donatella is always about the breasts!

I thought Penelope Cruz looked every inch a starlet in her L'Wren Scott dress -

- it wasn't the prettiest on the carpet,
but considering her baby is a month old,
I'm sure she didn't spend nearly as much time as some of the other stars in picking out a frock...

and really,
she probably could have pulled off a plastic bag just as well.
She, my friends, is properly pretty.

If I was going to a party and had heard she was wearing red,
I'd be tempted not to even try in case comparisons were drawn!

So, who was most successful in red?

Anne Hathaway rocked red in her vintage Valentino,
accessorized with Tiffany diamonds and Valentino himself.

It wasn't my fav frock, but it is Oscar appropriate. 

Similar, but  better:

Sandra Bullock in Vera Wang - this is what I'm talking about!

If only she didn't look so sad or severe,
but we send her love since this couldn't have been easy for her.

What on earth are they both doing with such pale skin though?

That pale with red is a little Vampirish.

Slightly off the red trail,
and Scarlett Johansson wore Dolce & Gabbana
in a colour kinda like red wine...

The colour is weird, make no mistake.
It's a fail on a red carpet for sure.
The pattern is weird too. 
Her hair is pretty unstructured for that movie star look I was demanding, sitting on the sofa, in Leeds,
 a million light years away from anything glamorous.

If you scroll up and chop off her head, it looks like a pub tablecloth, and I don't like it.

But my Gosh, she is sexy, and she managed to own her pub tablecloth, I'll give her that. 

That Shiraz colour leads us nicely to a Merlot

The world was waiting to see what Natalie Portman would wear.
Must be pretty hard when you're knocked up 
and you're the favourite for the Oscar. 
The colour was great on her, but not so great on the red carpet.
And deffo's super not great to see her splayed toes.

The gown was okay - although maybe she should have aimed more for 'dress' than 'gown'.

I suppose she didn't know how big she'd be when the time came, 
but she outdid herself a couple months ago in this sleek modern, yummy mummy dress at the SAG awards, and I expected more.

Oh dear.

(I know she's very pregnant,
but she is supposed to be a MOVIE star, so I can call it, okay?)

Sliding down the colour chart and time to talk about Mila Kunis, whose Elie Saab was dividing the twittersphere:

I couldn't decide if I liked it or not...
it gets prettier the more you look at it. 
The colour is not ‘beautiful lavender’ Giulana,
 so much as a bit granny. 

The cut – 
well, you wouldn’t leave your boyfriend with her 
while you went to the bar!

I'm going to go with - 'it looked better on the runway' - 

in real life, it looked like it might be trying a bit hard.

Now then,

we move from Lilacs to a dress deserving a special mention:

WTF? Sunrise Coigney?

Did she ask Mark Ruffalo what he thought?
Did he lie? 
If you're going to do sculptural, which I like,
do Vivienne Westwood,
not some leftover Cruella de Ville dress.
If you're going to be surrounded by the most beautiful women in Hollywood, you want to try to look even more beautiful,
not like someone who wants to kill little puppies.


Nice frock, similar Cruella vibe for Sharon Stone.

I thought she pulled it off.

She is that magical Hollywood mystery age - 
stuck around 35 maybe?

The hair is intimidating, and a bit crazy, but I'd want to be at her table - she looks like she was up for fun.

Poor Marisa Tomei – 
her mom must have made this, using an old Prom Dress pattern. 
The bust doesn’t even fit - looks like her ma didn't want her showing too much bust (unlike Mila Kunis!)

Pretty, but I thought Reese Witherspoon had cheated in her Giorgio Armani PrivĂ© evening gown
it was too 'Barbie doe the Oscars'-
and I immediately thought of the Julia Roberts Valentino - although when I googled they were totally dissimilar -
can you believe that dress was 10 years ago?

Who totally rocked black? 

The real beauty in Black was Camilla Alves...
she managed to show some skin without showing all her bobbejaans,
her jewellery and hair was spot on,
and she looked like she was the movie star in their relationship

Michelle Williams is a very pretty woman who can totally rock a blonde pixie cut which I am damn sure is not an easy look to rock.

But she looked like she wasn't having much fun,
which is probably because she couldn't walk in her pretty frock.

Irrespective that it was pretty and demure,
and beautifully beaded (look at how it changes near the floor ) - not being able to move is an instant FAIL.

Coco would not approve, of that I am sure.

What a waste.

Now, you know how I feel about glitter:

so I did like all of these:

Gwyneth is a funny one - she looks amazing in that Calvin Klein, although hating the poker straight hair - makes you want to pull it. If she'd been wearing either of the other dresses, or Halles, I would have hated it, she makes me want to trip her when she does 'pretty'.

Look how Hilary's sequins turn into feathers, and Mandy Moore totally rocks the netting on her frock. 

Glitter is the easiest way to look like a movie star, and this one was the best of them all: 
that colour, the beading, the shape, the texture,
yet she still looks fierce:

Florence also wore Valentino.
It's very Florence. 
She’s an amazing performer – 
she could wear old net curtains and I’d love her. 
In fact, she might be.
So she's excused from having to look like a movie star.

Who failed? 

Melissa Leo channelled tinfoil, Elvis and a doily all at once:

Nicole Kidman did some kind of kimono weird-ass frock,
with whatever shoes were by the front door:

although it could be because Amy Adams and Michelle Williams stole the frocks she's famous for:

and who won?


I vote Cate in Givenchy.

Colours - yes!
The soft colour of the dress suprised by the colour at the back.

The soft draping, yes!

Beading, yes, yes, yes - 
although maybe more on the bodice would have been better
(listen to me, sitting on my sofa, white wine in hand!)

mmmm, on Cate a maybe, 
on anyone else a definite Startrek enterprise look...

but look how she moves it.
She's beautiful.
That, kids, is a movie star!

An intergalactic one.




stephanie said...

OK- so I've been without internet for some time and have had your blog open on the laptop the last 2 days (having a 10 month old means I do things in short chunks of free time now)... and tonight- I have been so mesmerised by your antics that I finished my wild mushroom risotto without so much as a glance down to the bowl ...and finished my blush rose without realising ... now thats a feat! Am loving this blog. Keep it coming.

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